Who You Are Without Me
by WithinTheTrenches
Summary: Magnus has the opportunity to make his dreams come true, but he's afraid to take it in fear of losing Alec. Will Alec make him go for it, causing him to lose the one thing he loves the most?
1. Chapter 1

***Hello, lovely readers. I know it's been a long time, and for that I am sorry. I've had little—minimal really—time to sit down and type. School projects, homework, and then there had to be finals on top of that. Not that you want my excuses. … … I want to inform you readers that if you want to know what songs I have chosen as inspiration and not just think, "Well, what that crap is that? Whatever…" then you can go to my profile. I have YouTube links for the music there. Feel free to check that out, or don't.**

***This is a story that I have just recently finished, and no, I was not planning on this at all until I had this idea while listening to a Christmas song. So, here is your Christmas present from me. It is something that is finally multi-chaptered. Good news, eh? … … All human, no Shadowhunter world. This is sort of, not really, based off the song quote below, which is why I have given you that part of the song. **

***Disclaimer: I do not, under any circumstances, own any of this…except my idea. The characters belong to Cassandra Clare; I just manipulated them for my usage. The song lyrics belong to…well whoever is the original artist, but the singer for this version is Josh Ramsay. **

**Who You Are Without Me**

"**If there was no way  
><strong>**I could hold back these tears  
><strong>**But it's Christmas Day  
><strong>**Please come home"  
><strong>— "**Baby, Please Come Home" by Josh Ramsay**

Alec tried. He really did. When Magnus came to him, a full year ago, tears pouring from his eyes, Alec knew. He just did. Magnus needed something that Alec could not give him. No matter how Alec had felt when Magnus told him what a great opportunity it would be, no matter how much Magnus begged Alec just to say the word and he would drop the conversation, Alec did no such thing. It broke his heart to do it, but a broken heart was something he would rather endure than realizing he had killed Magnus' dreams.

There would be no way in hell that Alec would do that to the man he loved. No. Freaking. Way.

.—. .—. .—. .—.

When Magnus dragged him to the quaint café that was holding open-mic night, Alec realized something would go wrong. Didn't it always when he stepped out of his comfort zone? Yes, but he let Magnus have his fun.

The couple ordered drinks and sat at a table. Before making it all the way there, Magnus had signed the paper so he could sing. His name was halfway down, and Alec internally groaned that he had to sit through that many acts that he had no idea if they were going to be even relatively good. Alec pulled up his chair so close to Magnus' that leg rested against leg, free hand tangled with free hand, head rested against willing shoulder.

One of Magnus' legs kept shaking as he bounced his foot up and down. Alec simply untangled their hands and he squeezed the inside of Magnus' thigh, careful not to rest his hand too high so he would not start something he could not finish. He pressed his cool lips on Magnus' warm cheek. "You'll be wonderful, dear. There is nothing to be nervous about."

"What do you think I should sing?" Magnus asked, swallowing more of his drink.

"You could sing anything. Hell, even the ABCs. And it will sound even better than an angel. Trust me, Magnus. Calm your nerves," Alec reassured. "What do you want to sing?"

"I didn't think it fully through. Should I go slow and meaningful, or upbeat and fun?" His legs resumed the shaking and Alec squeezed the soft flesh once more.

Alec had to think about the answer. He loved everything Magnus sang. "Do what you do best. When you go slowly, you can actually hear the meaning behind the words. Fast is fun, but emotion will last forever."

Magnus flicked his midnight black hair from his forehead and leaned in to kiss his boyfriend's full lips. "I guess my mind is made up. Thank you, love."

Alec nodded and smiled discretely. "So you know the song?"

Magnus rolled his head back. "No, damn it. I was thinking of 'Porcelain.' How does that sound?"

"Anything you choose, as I have said." Alec did not know what song that was, but he was looking forward to it, anyway.

"If I do not come up with anything better by the time my name is called, then that is what I am doing. It's settled," Magnus said with resolve.

Since Magnus' leg stopped the incessant shaking, Alec reclaimed Magnus' hand in his larger one and kissed the smaller hand. Magnus rested his head on Alec's broad, muscular shoulder while watching some girl onstage trying to sing her own version of a song Alec semi-recognized. She was actually doing a good job.

After some meaningless conversation, "Magnus Bane" was stated through the microphone.

Magnus suddenly became more nervous than before.

Alec enveloped the smaller male in his arms and whispered delicately in his ear, "Dear, you've got this. You're amazing. If you get nervous, just look at me. I'll be right here, waiting for you. Everyone will love you, but never more than I do." He held Magnus' face in his hands. "I love you."

Magnus nodded his head slowly and kissed Alec's slightly parted lips. "I love you." He slowly stood up and casually walked to the stage. _Alec is right_, he tried to think as he stood in front of the microphone. _I can do this. He's right there._ Magnus found his boyfriend in the crowd, smiling and applauding. "Hey, everyone. I hope you've all had a great night so far." The background music for the song he chose began to play, and he picked up the lone acoustic guitar onstage and began to strum the chords. "This is for the love of my life. Darling, you will forever be my Porcelain." He watched Alec's face light up, or as best as he could strain his eyes in the dimmed lights. But Alec was still grinning widely, nonetheless. That was when Magnus began the song, the first few words left his mouth and the crowd went silent. "_You thought, by now, you'd have it figured it._"

The audience had nothing to even talk about when Magnus sang. Some recognized the song, others didn't. Either way, every single member in the crowd was under a trance.

"_When you're heart releases, you won't fall to pieces. And your breath comes crashing in, like perfect porcelain. And the slow and simple melody of tears you cannot keep from me. It's all right if you don't know what you need."_ Slowly, the last of the instrumentals dimmed, and the crowd was awestruck by what had just occurred.

Magnus did not know what to think. He expected applause, or booing. He did not expect absolutely nothing. Was he that bad? Hopefully he did not ruin the song. It would be embarrassing if—

Suddenly, everyone roared applause and delight.

Magnus smiled as he absorbed the cheers. Now this, this he could get used to. "Thank you for the kindness."

As he left the shallow stage, he had gotten a standing ovation. He bowed graciously as many told him how great he was as he tried to find Alec. As he reached Alec, he noticed Alec wearing the biggest grin he ever wore, he was standing, and he was clapping so fast his hands were a blur.

As soon as he spotted Magnus, he closed the distance by jogging the tiny bit of floor space, hugged Magnus' waist, and raised him in the air as he kissed Magnus' sweet lips.

Magnus threw his arms around Alec's neck and leaned in, not caring if people noticed he was showing such affection to a man. If Alec did not care, then he wouldn't pull away.

"You were brilliant, dear," Alec commented as he still held onto Magnus, whose feet were still slightly dangling right above the floor.

"You really think so?" Magnus asked.

Alec laughed as he set down his boyfriend, shoes finally done teasing the floor. "I cannot believe you just asked that. People are still clapping for you."

"No, they aren't," Magnus noted. "They are reacting to your show of public affection, which, by the way, I could get used to." Magnus grabbed Alec's hand and started to walk out the door.

"Where are we going?" Alec asked as he was being pulled.

"I did what I wanted to do, and now we are going to do something you want to do."

"Yeah, and what is that?"

"Leave, and get home," Magnus said, eyes full of lust and want.

"I'd figure that would be something that you would want, too," Alec huskily said.

When they made it out of the club, Magnus swung the arm he was holding into him and passionately lip-locked the younger boy and sunk his fingers into the soft flesh of Alec's hips, drawing him closer into his body, grinding their hips together in a frenzy.

All Alec could do was groan into Magnus' mouth, causing him to pull Alec even closer, if at all possible. His body temperature was rising, and he realized, only for a moment, that this was no place to be doing something like this. It was reserved for behind closed doors, but, at the rate Magnus was going, Alec didn't think he could make it all the way to the loft. "Uhhg, Mag," Alec tried to say as he pushed his mouth away from Magnus'. Magnus did not let the heat of his mouth escape into the cool night air. Instead, without missing a single second, Magnus suckled the skin of the length of Alec's pale throat, kissing and grazing with his teeth.

"Magnus Ba—…Oh, I am _so_ sorry!" a female voice yelped, causing Magnus to groan heftily as his mouth pulled away from Alec while Alec whimpered at the loss.

With his hands firmly put on Alec's hips, Magnus growled, "Can I help you?"

"Are you Magnus Bane?" the young blond woman asked, looking for confirmation.

"If I weren't, I would not have pulled away from this delicious creature." A blush rose across Alec's already flush cheeks.

"Right, I am incredibly sorry about that," the woman circled her pointer finger, "by the way. I'd like to talk to you privately for a moment, if you don't care."

"I do care, and do I even know you?" Magnus asked, irritated.

"No, you don't. The name is Camille Belcourt. Please, Mister Bane. It's important."

Alec watched as Magnus contemplated Camille's words. He noticed her, Camille. Even for a man who was not attracted to women, he could tell that she was beautiful. Her hair was a soft, wavy blond; her fuchsia button-down shirt with a V plunging just enough to get a preview of cleavage tucked into a straight pencil skirt resting on her knees with a slit on the one side went mid-thigh. Her clothing fit her better than a glove, practically painted onto her alluring curves. But Alec knew Magnus wouldn't try such a thing with this Camille. How could he when, just a moment ago, they were practically on their way to sex in a very public location? Alec grabbed Magnus' hands that probably left possessive bruises on his hips and unclamped them. "You should talk to her, dear. I'll be over there."

"Alec…" Magnus practically whined. "You don't have to go."

"But I should. This is a private matter." He kissed Magnus' forehead and squeezed the hands resting in his. His eyes diverted to Camille and back to Magnus. With one last reassuring squeeze, Alec dropped Magnus' hands and walked away, turning a corner.

There was a small wooden bench there, and Alec planted himself there, taking out his phone. For nothing else, it was just to have something to roll in his hands in order to keep himself occupied as Magnus talked to a stranger. A beautiful, curvy, female stranger. Alec tried his hardest not to picture Camille in his mind. It did not help the mental images his horrible mind decided to come up with as jealousy broke through him. Magnus with Camille curved into his body, in the same exact positions that they were in just a few minutes ago. _No, Alec. Do not think like this. He loves you. You're just being an idiot._ Even though Alec knew it wasn't true, it was still hard to convince his sick imagination to stop sending his eyes such horrid images.

To keep himself busy, Alec continuously locked and unlocked his cell phone, competing with himself to see how fast his fingers could slide across the touch screen in the same pattern. And, as soon as his fingers accidentally slipped, casing the lines to go red, he would unlock it properly and change the pattern. Some were easy while others were difficult. It wasn't fun, but the images ceased.

Finally, after about twenty minutes, Magnus appeared next to him, seemingly out of nowhere. Alec was too busy with his phone patterns to notice. Only did he sense Magnus when a head rested against his right shoulder, causing him to jump and screw up yet another pattern.

Magnus did not look the same as Alec had left him. He was withdrawn, it seemed, and more tired. This was not the man who was so full of life and ready to drop the linens and start grinnin'.

Alec shoved the phone into his coat pocket and put his arm around Magnus' shoulders, holding him close to his chest. "What's wrong?"

Magnus did not answer for a moment, as if he were contemplating a lie to tell. "Nothing, darling."

Alec knew when Magnus was lying. After all, they've been together for almost three years. Yet, if he learned anything from dating Magnificent Magnus for three years, it was when to push a subject, when to drop it, and when to pick it back up. This was one of those moments that Alec was to drop it and pick it back up later on. When that was, he didn't know, but it wasn't now. He wanted to scream that Magnus was lying, but he couldn't do that. Instead, he held onto Magnus and asked a different question. "What did Camille Belcourt want?"

At the mention of the woman, Magnus flung his arm around Alec's neck to be closer. Mumbling into his neck, "She just wanted to compliment me on how well I did tonight."

Accidentally, Alec tensed at the second lie Magnus told him, and he knew Magnus felt him do it.

"She thought you were gorgeous, by the way," Magnus informed with a weak smile on his face as he pulled away and stared right into Alec's cerulean eyes. "But I told her she could take her manicured paws elsewhere, because you, Alexander Gideon Lightwood, are mine."

"Forever," Alec agreed.

The two walked hand-in-hand together to their shared flat. Their only company was a random passerby and silence.

***I have my fingers crossed that this was good. I never really wrote anything that…passionate before. I hope you enjoyed this, and happy reviewing. *hint :)* Tell me what you think, or if you want the next chapters. There is more of this story where that came from.**

***The song Magnus sung was "Porcelain" by Marianas Trench.**


	2. Chapter 2

***It was a little…disheartening for me, as someone who writes stories, to realize that I have gotten 67 hits for the first chapter and not one person reviewed it. Which, is up to the reader to decide. I wasn't going to post this until I had reviews, but I already have it done. **

***I want to hear if you like it or not, so, if you so choose, please tell me if I'm doing something right…or even wrong. I'd love to read your thoughts. Please tell me if you want the rest of this. I've got more chapters. And it's done. But if no one likes it, then I don't think it would be wise to post more of it.**

***Disclaimer: As per usual, none of this belongs to me. **

**Who You Are Without Me: Chapter 2**

Eventually, they reached their home. Alec took out the key from his pocket and twisted it in the lock. Magnus walked through the rooms like a ghost, someone barely there and with no real purpose.

Alec knew two things: his heated desire was extinguished and something was seriously wrong with Magnus. He wanted desperately to know what the female named Camille had said to Magnus.

With Magnus effectively out of his way for the night, Alec straightened up some of the mess Magnus had loved to create. Couch pillows were on the floor, magazines were haphazardly tossed across the dark cherry coffee table along with about three cups (Alec could take the blame for one of them), books on the shelf rested on the wrong sides, and a few dishes were piled in the sink. They were miniscule tasks, something easily done. So Alec had done them all before stripping off his clothes and jumping into the warm shower water.

As the boy with the blue eyes was about to reach for his bottle of simple shampoo, he felt hands clutch onto his defined hips and pull him in, lips gently placing caressing kisses between his shoulder blades. It was the second time in one night that he had not heard Magnus arrive. "Mmm," Alec moaned slightly. "I thought you were sleeping."

"No, sir," Magnus said between kisses. He pulled back to admire water droplets travel down the contours of Alec's back muscles like a sweet, rhythmic dance. Entranced, Magnus traced his fingers along the same lines the shower water traveled, from his shoulders all the way down to the dimples of Alec's lower back. Alec shivered at the touch. "I can't sleep without you," Magnus whispered. Slowly, he turned the boy to face him. Alec's blue orbs were greeting his bright green ones. The older boy gently traced Alec's jawline with his soft fingertips and placed one of the softest kisses he had ever managed on Alec's wet lips. He grabbed the first bottle his hands could find, which was his own coconut shampoo, and placed a desired amount into his palms before working the product into Alec's dark hair, which looked completely black when wet.

Alec had done the same, grabbing a bottle, another of Magnus', but this one was watermelon-grapefruit, and worked the amount he placed into his palms into Magnus' black-streaked-blue hair.

The two took turns gliding a blue washcloth, frothy with soap that the smell resembled that of a cantaloupe.

They did not take time to fondle any of each other's parts. It was simply an intimate shower between two people whom loved each other. Movements and the touches were gentle and barely-there.

With one more delicate, chaste kiss, Alec turned off the water and opened the door, letting out more steam to the small bathroom. They each wrapped towels around their waist and stepped into their shared bedroom, splitting into different sections of the room to each find their own pajamas. Coincidentally, Alec and Magnus each grabbed alike bottoms; Alec's were black and red plaid while Magnus' were yellow and black.

Magnus quickly towel-dried some of his hair, threw the wet green towel on the floor, and climbed into bed.

Alec watched Magnus throw the towel on the floor. Usually he would simply pick it up for him, but he decided—just this once—that it could wait until the morning. After hanging his towel on the rack, Alec slipped into the sheets, near Magnus but not touching him. He propped his head up with his arm as he lay on his back, staring at the dark ceiling.

This position left his chest open, and Magnus willingly sacrificed his own pillow for the sake of using Alec's chest instead. Alec smiled as he wrapped his arm—the one that was being used as a makeshift pillow—around Magnus.

It took Magnus longer to fall asleep, it felt like. Camille's words were fresh on his mind. He did not know what to think of it.

.—.

Alec was the first to wake, which was not out of the ordinary. What would be unusual would be if Magnus was awake first. It has happened, but not a whole lot.

The boy rubbed residual sleep from his striking blue eyes with his left hand. He looked around the room. Finding nothing that caught his interest, he threw his head back, the pillow willing to catch it. Alec, finally realizing it was as if half his side was paralyzed since he not even move a centimeter, decided to look down at the cause of this.

There Magnus lay, cuddled into Alec's right side as if his life depended on it. Tendrils of jet black hair, along with a few strands of blue, rested across Magnus' forehead. His face was unmarred by nightmares and sadness, Alec noted.

His realization only brought up what had happened last night. It was a great night; Alec even participated in a _heavy_ moment of something he hated to do: PDA. The rare moments that he gets swept up to such an extremity were just that…rare. And, how could he forget what Magnus had done? He sang, and he shocked the small crowd. It was something amazing, how the audience became so entranced. The song was not exactly what he thought Magnus would choose; it was incredibly slow, but it was meaningful and tender. Magnus looked as if he were kissed by a star; he was radiating like the sun.

So what the hell had happened? Alec would kill to know what that blond woman had said to his boyfriend to put him in the recluse-yet-loving mood.

Magnus started to wake, first shifting for the first time since he pressed his head against Alec's bare chest upon going to bed. Then, his vibrant green eyes opened and glanced around the part of the room that was in front of his eyes. Lastly, his head shifted upwards, staring right into Alec's eyes, which were still staring down at him. "Good morning," Magnus smiled widely.

"Good morning, dear," Alec responded with the same magnitude of a grin. "How'd you sleep?"

Magnus placed a kiss on Alec's right peck. "Mmm, quite well."

"I'm glad you found my bony physique comfortable."

"You're not bony, Alexander," Magnus said, almost appalled that Alec would downplay himself. "This is all muscle. And besides, it is incredibly comfortable." To prove his point, he snuggled in closer. Alec laughed slightly. Magnus loved that sound, and, to provoke it more, he started with walking his two fingers across his bare stomach. Occasionally they would slide into the rivets of his muscle lines, but they continued to slowly glide across his chest. That was until Magnus' fingertips met the opposite side of his stomach, and, well, his side. He started to rapidly tickle the bare flesh, poking into it.

Alec played well into Magnus' plan. Suddenly, upon feeling the tickling sensation, the boy jerked and laughed. "Mag-nus. M-Magnus! St-op that," he tried to say between fits of laughter.

The older boy shot up to his knees and braced himself, prepared for a full-on attack of Alec's ribcage, and that was exactly what he did.

Alec tried to wiggle free. He jerked and kicked. He actually almost fell off the bed twice. He had a plan. It may have not been the smartest idea, but it was all Alec could think of while he was being tortured. He had not yet even used the bathroom in the morning, and that was something he needed to do. After Magnus pulled him towards the center of the bed so he would not fall, Alec flailed and inched closer and closer to the side of the bed. When he was there, Alec did the best he could to grab onto Magnus, sending them both flying off the edge of the bed, landing with a _thud!_ Alec was the first to fall, therefore taking the brunt of the fall to his back while Magnus stayed on top of him. "Ow…" he moaned with a lilt of a laugh.

Magnus, splayed across Alec's chest, could only laugh, barely able to breathe. "What did you do that for?"

Alec rubbed the back of his head. "You weren't going to stop, and I wanted you to."

The older male playfully hit Alec's chest. "You idiot. You should have asked. I would have."

"But I did tell you to," Alec countered. "You didn't stop."

"Touché, darling. I'm sorry."

"Are you just lying so I won't find some way to punish you?" Alec asked, holding onto Magnus' elbows.

Magnus' perfect eyebrows rose. "It depends on how you define 'punish,' love." He leaned down to try to kiss Alec, but his mouth was met with a hand.

"No. Morning breath, Mags."

"So? I've kissed you with it before. And look, I am still alive," he claimed.

"Still…I find it rather disgusting. Not attractive." Alec's face twisted as if he really was disgusted by the mere thought of just kissing Magnus.

"This is ridiculous, Alexander. Just let me kiss you," the tanner male ordered.

Alec pushed Magnus off his lap. "No, Magnus Bane. I refuse until my mouth is minty fresh." He tried to get up, but he had to protect himself from an attempted ambush. "No, Magnus. It's gross!"

"Come on," Magnus persisted. "You'll love it."

"No," Alec stated resolutely as he walked to the bathroom, his boyfriend in tow. "I love you, but not your morning breath. Now get out. I need to pee."

"Are you serious, Alec? We've dated this long. My mouth has been around that, and you still are afraid to use the bathroom in front of me?" Magnus crossed his arms in disbelief.

Alec blushed from what Magnus implied. "Can you shut up and stop mocking me? It would be great and highly appreciated. There are certain things that are just awkward to do, okay? And peeing in front of the man I love is definitely makes the top of that list." Alec's face was red, and he bowed his head, almost as if he was ashamed.

Magnus' face softened and his heart clenched. He hated doing that to Alec. They were different people, capable—and incapable—of doing certain things. "I'm sorry, Alec. I didn't mean it like that. I-I'll just go." Magnus ducked out of the bathroom gracefully, kicking himself.

Alec almost called out to his boyfriend, to tell him that he's fine, really. But he didn't. Instead, he shut the door and progressed with his morning routine.

.—.

Magnus sprawled out on the couch, bored out of his wits. What he really needed was to go shopping, or something to numb his mind. He and Alec had made breakfast together. They tried to make homemade waffles. They wound up having a miniature batter fight, which, thankfully no showers were taken, so it proved fun to wash the glops out of their hair. But, it had turned out surprisingly well. Well…Alec's version did. Magnus either took his out of the waffle iron too early or too soon. But, after their showers, Magnus lost track of Alec in the flat while Magnus retired to his exact position. While nothing was on TV and Chairman Meow, his adorable kitten he found abandoned on the New York City streets and begged Alec to keep, left his lap.

Whatever he was doing now, it wasn't distracting him from the words that echoed in his mind. He needed an escape, a release. He needed…Alec.

Alec needed his own time to think. He turned up the music from his iPod dock, only slightly. A song he did not recognize came through. It was an upbeat song. Glancing at the screen, it read "Doin' Alright" by Artist vs. Poet. Alec stared at the sleek black device for a moment. The only explanation would be that Magnus was messing with his music again. He didn't seem to mind, he deduced. It wasn't what he normally listened to, but it was good, so he left it as he straightened up his and Magnus' room.

That he always had time for.

"Darling, what are you doing?" Magnus asked as he entered the closed door.

Alec wiped his face and said with a smile, "Cleaning your mess."

"My mess? No, no. There are two grown adults living in this room. Dare I say some of it is yours, as well?"

Alec scanned the room. "I may be guilty for a pair of pants or two, maybe my shoes, but that's about it."

"See. Not _all_ of it was me,' Magnus teased.

"No, just the majority," Alec said back.

Magnus didn't have anything else to say to him at the moment. Instead, he leaned against the doorframe with his arms crossed in front of his chest, simply watching as Alec sorted through the plethora of piles of his clothes, occasionally, tossing random shoes in front of the closet doors. Magnus noted that Alec's movements were rigid and tense, not fluid as they usually were. So, not only was something bothering him, but his boyfriend, as well. But he couldn't understand what. Instead, not to feel useless, he pushed himself off the doorframe and pried apart the large closet doors open to rearrange his shoes on the rack he rarely used.

"You don't have to help, Magnus," Alec's voice broke through the quiet that was between them, not including the song that was playing from the iPod dock. "I know how much you love to clean."

Alec, in Magnus' opinion, was too perfect. So, in his defeated and annoyed state, he snapped when he knew he shouldn't have. "I know how to clean, Alexander."

The younger boy's movements stumbled, only slightly due to shock. "I never said you didn't know how to do it; I did, however, imply that you hate it," he clearly pointed out. "You don't have to get defensive. I can do it."

"Yeah, because _you_ love to go into this closet and rearrange my shoes. You wouldn't know the order that I want them." Magnus stood up from his crouched position. He saw the emotions swirl through Alec's eyes, resembling a whirlpool: confusion and anger. Yet, this did not stop Magnus.

The anger in Alec's eyes fueled him farther than the confusion did. Alec dropped the shirt that was in his hands and it fell to the floor. "You don't even know how you want them! Do you know how many times I tripped over those freaking boots alone?" Alec asked angrily as he pointed to a pair of Magnus' comfortable, black leather shoes that matched some of his skintight jeans perfectly.

"At least they're stylish," Magnus quipped. "How long have you had those ugly pair of combat boots?"

"It isn't about style with me," the boy defended.

"That's obvious," Magnus snorted.

"So, that's what this is about?" Alec asked, voice lower than a moment ago. "I don't have to dress like you to have 'style,' Magnus. So, I like to wear more…subdued clothing. It's comfortable and doesn't look bad on me. I'm sorry that I don't style my hair to perfection every day or show interest in make-up whatsoever. I'm sorry that I like circulation in my legs. And I'm sorry that I refuse to wear a pair of uncomfortable sneakers and boots for the sake of _style_," Alec ranted, pointing out the severe differences that he and Magnus had when it came to clothes.

Magnus narrowed his eyes. "That's it, right? You don't like the way I dress? Well, you never thought it was wrong before…Or, at least, you were lying to me the _whole fucking time_."

"I wasn't lying; I like it…On _you_. There is a difference."

"Whatever, Alec."

That was the moment Alec realized something changed. He had a horrid feeling deep within him that he couldn't shake, and it wasn't vomit. Magnus never called him "Alec" unless he was angry at him. Sometimes that happened, so it wasn't terribly out of the norm. He couldn't describe it.

***Tell me what you think of this one. Does it make you want more? Or do you wish you never wasted the time?**


	3. Chapter 3

***Your reviews made me smile. Thanks to all my readers. You are the reason why I post some of my work. **

***Disclaimer: I own nothing besides my ideas.**

**Who You Are Without Me: Chapter 3**

Alec wasn't wrong that day. Sure, they had made up, Magnus apologizing for being stupid for no reason.

But the arguing and the snapping had gotten worse, more frequent. Mostly of which, Magnus had started. It seemed as if Magnus just wanted to find any reason to pick a fight.

He didn't like how Alec did certain things, he cleaned too much, moved the wrong thing, played music too loudly, didn't call when he was on his way home from work, forgot to ask if Magnus wanted a drink to accompany his, hogged too much of the blankets, laughing at the wrong thing, decided to break out his old sweaters. Everything he could possibly think of, Magnus found a way of punishing Alec for it.

It had been going on for the past three and a half weeks, almost a month. It reached the point where Alec almost wanted to start sleeping at his parents' house. For a single moment, he almost veered his car in the direction of Manhattan to spend the night there, and _not_ contact Magnus. He wanted his boyfriend to suffer. He actually did one day, but the house was dark; everyone was gone for the night. Alec wanted to curse for them not even telling him that they had plans while he was stuck listening to Magnus' bitching. So, he turned back around, straddling the exact speed limit just to put more time in between arriving back at his and Magnus' flat.

Walking back into the flat, Alec noted that it was quiet. Usually, when Magnus got home before he did then some sort of noise would be playing. Judging by the lights that were on, there was someone home. In that moment, though, Alec could care less. He just wanted a night free from Magnus, even if that sounded bad. He did not call out into the air, seeing where Magnus was located. Instead, he pulled the keys from his pocket, and set them, along with his cell phone, on the coffee table. Sinking into the chair, he rested his elbow on the armrest, placed his hand on his forehead, and sighed. Alone for the moment, Alec was left to think.

How did they get to this point?

Alec couldn't understand it. They were the couple that everyone looked at and said how cute they were and they were going to make it and point out "Babe, be more like them." He let out a small, bitter chuckle. In that moment, he didn't think any of that was possible anymore. Every damn day, they fought. So, how was any of that cute? If Alec was seriously thinking about spending nights at his parents to give Magnus time alone, then how would they make it? If anyone decided to have a relationship that they had, Alec would feel sorry for the people in that one. Prior to the fights, he found all the comments flattering. But now, they were lies and he hated them. He hated what Magnus turned his relationship into.

"Alec?" Magnus' voice broke through Alec's mind-rant.

The boy almost groaned at the voice, but hearing the cracks in the one word, he swallowed up the feeling of annoyance. Alec stood up from the chair to find where his boyfriend's voice was coming from. "Yeah, Mags?"

Alec didn't have to travel very far; Magnus met him in the living room. By his strides of walking and how he held his hands together for dear life, Alec knew something was wrong. It wasn't going to be the usual chitchat-turned-fighting, which would have been perfectly fine with Alec, but he couldn't stand to see his boyfriend in this state.

Alec, upon seeing Magnus, walked up to him and grabbed his boyfriend's hands with his own. He felt the larger hands in his quiver slightly. "Dear, what's wrong?" Alec asked in all seriousness. Sure, he may have been mad and annoyed with Magnus, but he still loved the man.

Magnus closed his beautiful eyes as Alec's hands slipped around his and held on. He tried to even out his shaking. "Um…" he held onto his bottom lip between white incisors. "C-can we s-sit?"

No matter his state, Magnus never stuttered.

Alec's eyes softened. He led Magnus to the couch, still holding onto his hands. When no words came, none at all, Alec dropped Magnus' hands and wrapped his muscular arms around his boyfriend's smaller frame, sighing when he felt Magnus' head rest between his neck and collar bone.

"I don't know why you're still here sometimes," Magnus whispered into the fabric of Alec's plaid shirt.

The sudden break in the silent air that cuddled them, Alec was surprised by it. "Why would you say that?"

"I've been horrible to you. For, like, ever now," Magnus exaggerated slightly. You didn't deserve any of it. I've been so stupid. And in that, I was pushing you far away from me."

"I'm not going anywhere." He didn't mention that he was thinking about it, and that most of the time recently, he wanted to.

"I guess that was my end goal…To make you too miserable to stay with me," Magnus admitted quietly.

Alec was shocked by Magnus' statement. "Why would you do that?" he whispered, looking straight into Magnus' eyes.

As if not being able to handle the intensity of his eyes, Magnus had to look away for a moment, but he finally met the bright blue eyes again. "I love you so much it hurts. You know this."

"That doesn't answer my question, does it?"

It would pain Magnus to admit it, but it was something that had been weighing on his mind for a while now. And Alec deserved an explanation, especially after how he treated his lovely boyfriend. "It was out of selfishness. I wanted it, well, for all my life. And she offers it to me. But, they never tell you what you'd have to give up in order to achieve your dreams. I'm not stupid; I figured it out. In order for me to have what I've always wanted, I'd have to give up what I love the most. I thought about it, and, for one moment, I was going to do it. But I couldn't give you up. Living without you would be torture, and I could never do that. But I fought with you anyway. Mostly because you're too perfect for me. I started to hate myself for thinking it, that my success is more important than you. Most of the fighting from me was not because of you, but rather the faults that I have found in myself."

"You're being cryptic, Magnus. What are you talking about?" Alec asked worriedly.

Magnus shook his head and lowered his face, ashamed as he started to cry.

Alec took Magnus' face in his hands and wiped away the warm, salty tears.

"The night at the club, remember that?" Magnus asked.

How could he forget? Everything was perfect that night. That was until that woman, Camille Belcourt, had to ruin everything. "Of course I do."

"Camille, she…offered me something."

Alec started to internally fume. It sounded as if she offered him sex, and he felt guilty about taking her offer. That would explain it. He never thought he would lose Magnus, but he lost him to a _woman_? "I see," was all he could say without his rage and jealousy protruding through.

"No! No, it wasn't what you think. Alexander…she wanted to sign me. Onto her record company. Based in California."

The boy with the blue eyes had to take a moment to process what Magnus had just said. When he got it, he said with a hilt of enthusiasm, "Mag, that's great. Why didn't you tell me?"

That was when Magnus began to cry. "Don't you get it? If I do this, then we're over. I'd have to move to Los Angeles and be far away from you. I can't do that."

Alec let the words sink in, bile rising to his throat at such a degree that he wanted to cough and choke. He thought back on every time he heard Magnus sing, all the way until that night when he sang. Everyone loved him, not just Alec. Singing was something that Magnus loved. He deserved to be the superstar that he wanted to be. Magnus was talented enough and he knew how to steal the crowd. He saw the look on Magnus' face. He was happier than he had ever been. How could he ask him to give all that up when he had a legitimate chance at his dreams? Alec worked in a bookstore. He couldn't give Magnus all he wanted. Magnus had to do that for himself. And now that the chance is there, Alec couldn't let him _not_ take it, especially when Alec was the one holding him back. He swore he'd never do that. But he was. With a heavy heart, Alec spoke. "Yes. You can."

Magnus recoiled, stealing his hands back. "What?"

It was a hard thing for Alec to say. And he really didn't want to repeat it, especially when he _knew_ Magnus had heard him. He just was so shocked that there was nothing else to say. "You should take it, Magnus. This opportunity is something that will probably never happen again. Someone as talented as you deserved to sell out stadiums in every country."

"I told you I can't. If I do this I lose you. I'm not ready for that." Then, quieter, Magnus added, "I'll never be ready for that."

"You'll never be ready to move on from your first love, dear." He took a sharp intake of breath trying to steady himself before continuing. "But sometimes you need a push to leave."

"What if I don't want to leave? Are you going to chain me up, tape me up in a nice cardboard box, and send it to LA?" the taller male asked incredulously.

"No. I'd never. I just can't ask you to give up on this for _me_." Alec rested his hands against his chest.

"You didn't ask," Magnus swallowed.

"Fine. I won't _let_ you," he stated with resolve.

"I do not need your permission for this, Alec," Magnus said with a threatening tone.

"I don't want you to look at me one day and realize that I wasn't worth it. I don't want you to blame me for you giving up on your dreams. I don't want you to regret this and think of what could have been." With every sentence, Alec's speech had gotten louder.

"I will never think like that."

"You say that now, but one day you will. And I don't want to be the cause of any regrets."

The two had gone back and forth, pointing out all the pros and cons of this. Ultimately the decision was up to Magnus, but he took everything Alec said into consideration.

The next two days were back to normal. They did not fight. There were no more thoughts of leaving. Alec tried to make Magnus' last memories of him as sweet and loving as he could possibly make them.

.—.

Magnus had boarded the plane to Los Angeles from New York three days ago, and Alec had already been lost. Their flat was a constant reminder of Magnus. He was everywhere, but nowhere to be found.

Chairman Meow had taken it hard. Alec had tried to lift the tiny cat's spirits by buying him a feather wand and catnip. Chairman had played with the toy for all of seven minutes before losing all interest. Alec gave him the catnip. It didn't have any effect on the cat, which was strange.

Isabelle had come over after finding free time in her hectic schedule. She had spent the night. She tried to console her brother by bringing his favorite ice cream and her favorite movie. They talked and ate the frozen dairy, but the ice cream, no matter how many cold spoonfuls he put into his mouth, had not numbed the pain caused by loss.

***You know what I'd love…A review waiting for me :) Hope you enjoyed the next installment of my story.**


	4. Chapter 4

***Disclaimer: None of it is mine. Besides whatever plot there may be, of course. **

**Who You Are Without Me: Chapter 4**

Magnus and Alec had sworn to keep in touch and remain together, but, as the days turned into weeks and weeks morphed into months, the trying became far too painful.

With each phone conversation, Magnus sounded so happy to be recording and writing, and even playing at small clubs where he had gotten similar reactions to the ones at the club he sang at in New York City. He and Camille became close friends. She was like his personal Barbie doll and he was her gay best friend who knew more about fashion than she did.

It sounded as if Alec was the only one suffering.

Magnus had adapted quite well into the Los Angeles singer lifestyle all while Alec was simply trying to hold out for that phone call. The calls became less frequent, and his became less answered. Alec knew it was going to happen; it was inevitable. They couldn't live on like this.

Alec definitely couldn't live life when the love of his life was off on the other side of the country living it up like he had nothing back home. That was exactly what Magnus was doing.

He had even gotten a Twitter account just to keep track of Magnus' life. He logged into Facebook once in the morning and once at night, trying to get better acquainted with his boyfriend's life. His posts were all about his carefree life and recording in the studio. He had plans for his first full-length CD to hit shelves by the first of the New Year. Camille and he had so much fun shopping and partying. All of this, he had not told Alec, who was supposed to be his boyfriend...who Magnus never seemed to mention. Not even in the posts about missing the crowded streets of Brooklyn and hitting up the usual stores in Manhattan.

That, Alec guessed he could live with. But he couldn't take the fact that Camille had posted pictures of their latest party together. There was a whole picture folder on her Facebook account dedicated to that night. The first few pictures were nothing alarming. Camille and Magnus were posing for the camera with a drink in their hands. She was with some guy Alec didn't know the name of. Some were of Magnus as he tried to speak, so his face was twisted around and he resembled an alien. To this Alec laughed. Clicking on, the next ones that followed were a lot harder to take. Magnus was dancing with Camille, then some other girl, and finally, a guy. He was attractive. Straight light brown hair that looked as if it was starting to be growing out and vibrant green eyes. Soft features minus the prominent square jaw. Alec noticed these things because jealousy bubbled up within him. He was a volcano threatening to spew molten lava. His heart broke as he clicked for the next picture. Hot Green Eyes and Magnus were kissing. And this wasn't even an innocent peck on the lips. This kiss had tongue.

Magnus had betrayed him. In the biggest way Alec thought of. Cheating was serious business. It wasn't something that Alec could brush under the proverbial rug and get past it.

Alec was afraid of something like this. He couldn't stop staring at the photograph. With as much resolve as he could muster with his shaking hands, Alec saved the photo on his hard drive. Later on, he printed the picture and set out a clean sheet of paper with a black pen in his hand. He wrote something he never thought he would have to.

_Magnus,_

_This is hard for me to write. Even with all these miles that separate us, I still love you. I realize that I am the one that told you to go for it, and I still stand by my decision. But this has become excruciatingly hard on me to continue this._

_I told you that you would never lose me. And, at first, I was all for standing by you, even if nobody in the world would see me next to you. I can handle being invisible; I've done it for most of my life. You were the only person that seemed to see me. But, I think the distance has clouded your vision. I think, somewhere inside you, that you still have feelings for me. However, they must be buried deep within your heart, underneath the writing, the music, the shopping, and the partying. _

_Our relationship, I thought, would never have to come to this letter. Not if we both kept our promises. But, I guess we didn't, did we? I tried. I really did. I wanted to save what we had. I thought we were strong enough to last through everything your budding career would possibly throw at us. Turns out, I was wrong. _

_Magnus, I want you to know that I love you. I will forever love you. But this, this is killing me. You not here, I could manage…as long as I wouldn't have to see what I had just seen. It doesn't look like you are willing to keep on loving me. And that thought hurts me more than you will ever know. _

_Have a great time in Los Angeles, and know that I am willing to step aside and let you have whatever you want and whoever you want. I now realize that person is no longer me. I am sorry that I wasn't willing to let you go until now. I hope you're happy without me. I love you, dear…forever._

—_Alec x_

In the morning, Alec sent the letter, along with a picture of them. He hoped the picture would send a knife through his heart just like the one with him kissing another guy had done to him. That picture he also included in the envelope.

No matter how much it pained him to write the letter that officially told Magnus that they were over and he was free from Alec, it hurt Alec more just to close his eyes. All their happy moments, along with the fights and the mocking picture of Magnus kissing someone else seemed to be stuck on repeat behind his heavy lids.

To free himself from the memories that refused to leave him, he called Isabelle. When she was busy, Alec regrettably called Jace. They were to meet in an hour.

As the hour passed, Alec thought he saw some version of a golden god making his way to him.

"Allie cat!"

Yeah, it was Jace, all right. "Hey, Jace. What's with the nickname?"

"Yeah, I wasn't feeling it either."

The brothers walked around on the busy New York streets, almost being separated three times by the mobs of people. If Alec didn't keep close, Jace threatened to hold his hand like a little kid.

"So how's Magnus in the big LA?" Jace asked.

Alec sucked in extra air. "Fine, I assume."

"Well, what was the last thing he said to you when he called?"

"Um…" Alec had to think. It had been about a week since they last talked before he sent the letter. "He was having a great time."

"That's good. You know what I think you should do?" Jace said, as if he had just come up with a brilliant idea.

"And what is that?" Alec asked with reluctance.

"You should take time off from work, buy some plane tickets, and take me to LA to visit your boyfriend."

Why Alec never did that, he didn't know. Oh yeah, it was because he couldn't get off work or afford the tickets at that moment. And it wasn't as if he could have followed Magnus across the country. Sure, he wanted to. But his life was here. He couldn't leave everything behind. Magnus promised to come back to him. Magnus had sworn that he would call often. Magnus...was a liar. "I can't do that, Jace."

Jace removed his hands from his pockets. "Why not?"

"Because, I just can't." He wasn't in the mood to tell his brother that he broke up with his boyfriend via snail-mail letter.

"If you don't want to take me, that's cool. Or if you can't afford my ticket, then I'll try to chip in the mon—"

"I can't!" Alec exclaimed, cutting off Jace's speech. "We broke up."

Jace suddenly sobered. "What? When?"

"I don't know if he knows so yet, but I sent him a letter. About four days ago," Alec admitted as he rubbed the back of his neck with his hand.

"A letter?" Jace said with shock. "Wow, Alec, that's insensitive of you. I didn't think that you would be the one to do such th—"

"He kissed some other guy!" Alec couldn't take Jace's words. He was _his_ fucking brother. There was no need to side with Magnus.

That shut Jace up. The blond was at a loss for words. Then he started to fume. "I'll fucking kill that bastard. He can't do that to you."

"Don't, Jace. It's over," Alec warned.

"No, Alec. You may lie there and take it, but I can't allow him to hurt you like that. He promised me he wouldn't hurt you."

"When was that?" Surprised, Alec asked.

"Um…Like when you first got together. You were sixteen, he was nineteen. Legal, but you weren't. I threatened him that if he ever, _ever_ hurt you, then I would kill him with my bare hands and rusty objects. He would never be able to enjoy dick again, not even his own."

Alec could tell that Jace was proud of what he had done back then, but now he was more than willing to hold true to the words he had threatened three years ago.

"Why didn't either of you tell me this? You know how embarrassing that is, having your younger brother threaten your date?" Alec questioned.

"It wasn't worth mentioning," Jace shrugged. "Magnus swore he would never do something like this."

To get on a new topic, Alec asked, "How's the girlfriend?"

"Clary? I'm thinking about dumping her," Jace admitted.

"Why? I thought you really liked her."

"Yeah. I did," scoffed the blond boy. "That was before she got too clingy. I can't handle a clingy girlfriend. I need my own room to breathe at least. She barely lets me have that."

He and Jace had a really nice conversation. It wasn't filled with his usual remarks. They talked about everything and nothing. After grabbing lunch and more talking, Jace had gotten two calls from Clary, telling him that she wanted to see him and six text messages asking why he didn't pick up and to please meet her. Tired of it, Jace said that today was the day where he swung the ax and severed their ties. She was apparently too needy, as well.

After Jace left him with a groan, Alec had nothing better to do than to slowly walk back to his flat. He started to consider moving out of that one. Too many memories.

He checked his phone for any messages, hoping not to have any while being disappointed that there were none. After refilling Chairman Meow's water and food, he fell into bed.

The next morning, he had gotten up like clockwork and got to work on time. While dealing with a customer that couldn't find the book she was looking for, his cell phone that resided in his pocket started to ring. Since it was on vibrate, he didn't know which ring it was and he let it go. It would be rude to check it while talking to a customer.

Five minutes later, the vibration tingled his entire leg. Checking to see if there was a manager around—there wasn't—he grabbed the phone from his pocket and saw that it was Magnus. Alec tried to calm his nerves. Magnus must have read the letter. He would have answered, he told himself, but he was working. Instead, he hit the 'Ignore' option and turned off his phone. Surely that would aggravate Magnus, but the stupid man deserved it. Plus, it wasn't like he was in the proper situation to answer this type of phone call.

After his shift ended around seven did he finally turn his phone back on. Just as he suspected, Magnus had been calling him every twenty minutes for the rest of the day, sometimes more frequent. It rang two minutes after his phone came back to life, and Alec thought of ignoring him altogether. But, if he had to tell the truth, he missed Magnus. He would only allow him ten minutes to explain.

"Hello?" he said with a great amount of reluctance. He bit his lip in anticipation of hearing Magnus' voice after this long without it.

_"Oh my God. Alec?"_ Magnus rushed.

"This is he," he tried sounding formal.

_"I have a lot to explain."_

Alec bit back his words. He was planning on saying "No shit, asshole." But he didn't .The words died in his throat. He didn't say a word.

_"Please, Alec. Tell me that this letter is a joke."_ Magnus seemed upset as he demanded this from Alec. But this was something that Alec couldn't give him. There was nothing funny about what he had written. Nor were the pictures hilarious.

"Tell me that you didn't kiss that guy." Alec stuffed his hands in one of his jacket pockets while the other was holding up the phone, even though he just wanted to drop the device and run away from it.

_"…I can't do that."_

"Then neither can I. I'm sorry, Magnus. But I can't do this. I love you, but I refuse to take all this shit and you cheat on me on top of it."

_"I did not cheat on you, Alexander. I love you,_" Magnus tried to explain.

"Was that or was that not you in the picture kissing some guy at a club?"

_"It was me. But I swear I didn't sleep with him. I was drunk for Christ's sake!_"

"So I have to worry about you kissing someone every time you have too much to drink? I won't do this. Magnus, I honestly love you, but I will _not_ be in a relationship with someone who I can no longer trust. I'm sorry." Alec put his foot down, and he was proud of his resolve.

_"Don't do this. I love you, baby. I'm sorry. It wasn't intentional…I can still give all this up. Right now. Say the word, and I'm on the next plane out there._"

"It's not worth it, Magnus. You won't be happy living this boring lifestyle anymore. Too little clubbing and far less shopping. Oh, and me here so you can't kiss random people," Alec chuckled bitterly.

_"Damn it, Alec. Don't do this," _Magnus said angrily as he slammed his fist into the table he was sitting at.

"No, _you_ don't do this. Don't give up your dreams for someone who won't be able to trust you anymore."

_"Are you going to throw away three years of being together because you can't seem to see reason?"_

"Are you going to realize that it is you that threw me away after three years of being together because you're having too much fun partying in Los Angeles?" Alec opened the door to his flat and was greeted by Chairman Meow, who happily clawed his leg for attention. It seemed as if the cat started to move on, so why shouldn't he? "Luckily for you, I stopped Jace from catching the first flight to LA. He wants to kill you after breaking your promise you made to him when we first got together. I said no. Think on that while you sing those songs of yours, Magnus Bane. Goodbye." There was a broken voice that Alec cut off with the press of the "off" button. He had to follow in the footsteps of the cat. He had to move on.

***First off, please do not hate me or throw virtual fire. I don't want spoil the ending, but, if you stick with the story, you may see what you want to happen. That, I guess, depends on what you want. But, if I am that great of a mind reader, I think I know what it is.**

***I love your reviews. They are appreciated, and of course, very welcome. **


	5. Chapter 5

***Disclaimer: I do not, under any circumstances, own any of the characters mentioned…Besides Ambrose. I do not own the books. That is under the jurisdiction of Cassandra Clare. I do not own the song that is mentioned and quoted below. The song belongs to the lovely Joe Brooks.**

**Who You Are Without Me: Chapter 5**

The next months were difficult. Magnus continued to call. He made random posts on his Facebook page about Alec. Alec gave up on following his Tweets. Rarely did he pick up a call from Magnus. And, when he did, it was only for a moment…just to hear Magnus' voice sigh his name before he successfully ended the call. Those were the days in which he was weak and needed to hear remnants of his old relationship.

For his birthday Isabelle hired a male stripper as a joke…The act didn't stay long enough to take off any article of clothing. Jace even thought it was a low blow. Instead, to fix Isabelle's mistake, Jace gave his number out to a guy named Ambrose. He had pitch black wavy hair and gray eyes. Ambrose did not wear any glitter or skinny jeans. He was attractive wearing V-neck T-shirts and loose jeans paired with black Nike shoes. He had a body like his own, and that was a nice difference. It was also nice that he was taller than Ambrose, although not by much.

Ambrose was no Magnus, but he would work just fine. For a straight guy, Alec laughed, Jace had good taste in men.

It was around Thanksgiving, and Alec had a date with Ambrose. He dressed in a T-shirt with a zip-up fleece over that. He paired that with jeans and his combat boots. Ambrose knocked on the door to his flat, and Alec was greeted with a chaste kiss. For the first time in a long time, he didn't imagine those were Magnus' lips. "Hi," he smiled as he held the door open.

Ambrose squeezed his hand as he entered the flat for the first time, even though they had been together for a month and a half. Alec wasn't sure what Ambrose would think, considering he didn't do much to cover Magnus' taste in furniture. "I did not know you were a fan of fur," Ambrose laughed slightly.

There it was. There would be an emerging, potentially awkward conversation about his past love. "I'm not. It was, uh, my old boyfriend. He decorated this room, for the most part."

Ambrose seemed a little worried that Alec still kept Magnus' taste in the flat. "And you kept it as if he never left? Are you hoping he'd come back?" the boy with the stormy eyes asked.

"I don't spend much time in this room," Alec lied. "And I don't want to waste money on new furniture. Sure, it isn't my taste, but I didn't keep it because Magnus picked it. I could just spend my money in more efficient ways…And, to be honest, I used to want him to come back. But I'm working on getting over that. I'm not struggling without him. I don't _need_ him." He only hoped that were true.

"But do you want him? Am I just the rebound guy to hold…Magnus' place?" Ambrose seriously asked.

"No. Magnus and I are over." The "no" Ambrose assumed was for both questions, but it was only for the second. Alec still wanted Magnus. But he couldn't correct himself, not when Ambrose's smile made him go weak, and he so happened to be smiling…

They talked for a bit, deciding to stay indoors since the temperature outside continued to drop. The talking turned into kissing, and the kissing was accompanied by touching. Against his better judgment, Alec slipped his hands under Ambrose's shirt and slid his hands up Ambrose's toned stomach, to which Ambrose responded to by moaning into Alec's mouth.

Ambrose squeezed Alec's hips harshly, but it felt good, the forcefulness.

Before he knew it, Alec was ripping off Ambrose's shirt and he was shrugging out of his jeans. Ambrose was reaching for the seams of Alec's shirt. Once he found them, his shirt joined Ambrose's on the floor. His jeans, as well, joined the pile that was carelessly tossed around the living room. Their boxers were the only things that were left to be removed. Soon, though, those were gone, too.

.—.

Alec woke up to his phone alarm clock ringing, signaling that he needed to start to get ready for work. It must have been loud, Alec thought, since his phone was in his pants pocket and he didn't know where they were at the moment.

That was when he realized what he had done last night. He had slept with some other guy. One that wasn't Magnus. He wasn't even drunk, and yet…he wanted it. As he moved his arm to rub his cloudy blue eyes, he brushed against the arm that was holding his waist. Ambrose had held him close all night, and he had enjoyed it. Alec smiled as he held Ambrose's arm to his chest.

But the moment was ruined since he needed to shut off that alarm clock and get to work. Slowly, he peeled back Ambrose's arm from his waist and chest and started to look for their clothes.

As Alec found his jeans, he bent over to pick them up.

"Mmmm," Ambrose moaned tiredly. "That is a lovely view to wake up to."

Alec shot up, with the pants in his hands, pocket still singing. "I'm glad you enjoyed it."

"Yes, I love it. Now, where are you going? I'm cold."

His choice of words reminded him so much of Magnus, and what Magnus had said to him before, which so happened to be the same exact words, that it hurt, as if he had just gotten punched in the stomach and he forgot how to breathe. "I, uh, h-have to get ready for work."

"You don't _have_ to," Ambrose said playfully as he tried to stand. He wrapped his arms around Alec's neck. "We could stay here all day…" he trailed, leaving his thoughts up for interpretation.

_Magnus isn't coming back. I made sure of that. Enjoy this time with this insanely hot, _naked _guy that is pressed up against you_. Alec placed his hand just above Ambrose's butt. "As much fun as that would be, I really can't afford to lose hours from my paycheck."

Ambrose frowned before planting a tiny kiss on the tip of Alec's nose. "Boo to that. I was hoping to have an encore from last night."

"As much fun as that would be, I really have to shower."

When Alec hopped into the shower (not offering his current boyfriend to join him), Ambrose dressed in his clothing, which he had to find from around the living room. He combed his wavy hair and turned on the coffee maker, which was allowed by Alec, and had a cup of that.

Alec didn't take long to get ready. In total, his routine can either range from four to twenty minutes, depending on the amount of sleep he had gotten. This morning, he only used twelve. He had wanted to rush since he had a guy in his apartment and, even though he really liked Ambrose, he still had trust issues. All while scrubbing his hair and brushing his teeth he pictured Ambrose rifling through his drawers, finding something, anything that would be embarrassing and/or incriminating. He felt confident that Ambrose wouldn't do such a thing, but he was friends with Jace, and nobody should trust Jace not to do something when he was bored. Alec knew, though, that Ambrose was definitely not Jace.

When Alec stepped out of his room and into the living room, he noticed Ambrose sitting patiently on the couch.

"Hey," Alec said, breaking Ambrose's blank stare.

Ambrose smiled. "Hello."

Alec leaned in to kiss him. "Are you ready to go?"

"You mean to tell me I can't hang around here all day?" Ambrose joked.

"You looked pretty bored, and I wasn't here to accompany you for a little over ten minutes. I can't imagine how much fun you would have when you are here, all alone, for ten hours."

Ambrose locked arms with Alec and fell into synchronized step. "I think I can manage, especially knowing that after my excruciatingly bored hours to myself, I know that you'll walk through that door. Plus, you have a cat."

Alec smiled. Suddenly the memory of Magnus walking up to him, his arms behind his back with a pout on his face, popped into his mind. He could recall exactly what Magnus had said to him before and after unveiling the tiny, adorable, homeless kitten. "Yeah; Chairman's pretty great."

The boy with the wavy hair laughed. "You named your cat _Chairman_? Wow, Alec. I didn't realize you were into politics."

"Technically, its Chairman Meow. And I didn't name him. Magnus did." As soon as the name dropped off his tongue, Alec felt as if he should take it back. It wasn't right to name-drop your ex-boyfriend while hanging out with a current one.

"So, you and your ex adopted a cat together…" Ambrose felt a twinge of jealousy, as if he could never compete with someone from Alec's past.

"Yeah, well, it wasn't as if we scouted for a cat. Chairman was a tiny fur ball abandoned on the busy New York City streets. He didn't have the heart to leave him there, so we kept him," Alec explained uneasily. He didn't want to share his life with Magnus with Ambrose. As far as Alec was concerned, that chapter of his life was over.

"That makes sense. I don't think I could do that either. I've seen some of what this city is capable of."

"Did you have a rough childhood?" Alec warily asked. He didn't know if the question was personal or the answer he tried to keep secret.

"Only occasionally, like the rest of the kids in the world," Ambrose tried to smile. "My dad abused my mom. She tried to hide me away. It got serious, he finally bailed on us. Even though money was tight, anything was better than Mom trying to lie to everyone. 'Oh that? I was being clumsy old me again.' I lived in a rough neighborhood. I got caught into tattoos and drugs. I'm clean now; Mom moved me outta there before I did anything I'd regret for life."

Alec didn't know what to say to that. He had no idea if Ambrose was expecting something. Alec did, however, come to the conclusion that what Ambrose had said, it explained the tattoos he noticed on Ambrose's hip, underside of his arm, and the inside of his left wrist. He just rested his head on Ambrose's broad shoulder for a moment, offering that in exchange for words.

.—.

The next day Ambrose surprised Alec at work.

"Hey, can you help me? I'm looking for this book…"

"Sure, what's the tit—" Alec looked up and grinned. "What are you doing here?"

"I had off work today, and I thought I'd see you," Ambrose casually said as he smiled and tapped his fingers lightly on the counter Alec was standing behind.

They spent the day together, talking when Alec wasn't busy tending to customers and books, kissing when people weren't looking. When Alec got off work, Ambrose followed him home to spend another night.

When a comfortable silence fell between them, Ambrose started humming a beat and adding words to it. "'_I whisper goodbye, I swear it's not for the last time. I know it's not easy. It could never be easy. Five thousand miles with traffic of you on my mind, there'll be pain, there'll be glory_.'" Ambrose was not a bad singer, but he was no Magnus.

"What is that?" Alec asked.

"Nice, isn't it? Well, I don't do it justice. It's called 'My Heart Will Wait.' I heard it this morning on the radio. And I YouTube-d it to listen to it, it was so good." Ambrose picked up at a random part of the song, not directly after the other part he sung. "'_With all those times we sat and dreamed of life, oh how the future it could be. Flawless drawings of beauty. So don't give up, don't give in, don't stop believing in me. This is just the beginning. 'Cause my heart will wait. My heart will wait for you._'"

"I like it," Alec commented. "Who sings it?"

"Ehm…" Ambrose's face twisted as he rifled through his brain to find the answer, only to come up short. "I forgot, but I'll let you know when I remember."

Eventually, they fell asleep together on the couch.

In the morning, Alec had gotten up to put a blanket on Ambrose since he looked cold, and to use the bathroom. Afterwards, to fill the quiet, he turned on the radio, his iPod lost in one of his drawers.

After the song that was playing, the radio personality announced, "_Wasn't that one great? Hot Chelle Rae is awesome. Now, for the latest song to play on the waves. First time playing it yesterday, and I have already received numerous requests for it. Here it is, ladies and gentlemen. Get your ears ready for the one, the only. 'My Heart Will Wait' by Magnus Bane!"_

Alec froze in his spot. His lip trembled. This was Magnus. On his radio. Singing a song. As the words started, he recognized it as the one Ambrose had sung to him last night. This was something that Alec couldn't handle. He realized that Magnus would be famous. But he didn't think that it would take this short for his music to spread throughout the country. Either way, his beautiful voice haunted him. He guessed Magnus took his advice seriously that night. _"When you go slowly, you can actually hear the meaning behind the words. Fast is fun, but emotion will last forever."_

It was true. Magnus' hauntingly passionate voice would stick with him forever.

***Look, I realize some of my loyal readers will try to find out who I am and my secret location to burn me at the stake like a witch, if I could ever be so lucky. I realize that it's hard to read about Alec with someone else. But it was pivotal for me to do this. But, boy was it a little difficult to write it, too. If it makes you feel better (I know it won't) I imagine Ambrose as super-hot. Like I have stated…just stick with it. A lot can change in the few following chapters. Please do not give up on this story now. There are still a few chapters to be read.**

***The song that Magnus sings is "My Heart Will Wait" by Joe Brooks. The link to this song can be found on my profile, if you so happen to be curious enough.**

***Hit the button and tell me what you think…even if they're not nice thoughts at the moment.**


	6. Chapter 6

***For Chapter 5, I had received the least bit of reviews, not including Chapter 1. So, I was wary on posting this when I did. It got me thinking that the interest this has been shown is starting to diminish. Please, stick with it. It's almost over. And, in that, can you show "Who You Are Without Me: Chapter 6" some lovin'? **

***Disclaimer: Hahaha. No. Did you really think the characters were mine?...Fine, I admit Ambrose belongs to me. But that's it. Oh yeah, and the mention of the dude Magnus kissed in LA. He is mine, too even if he's only a mentioned character.**

**Who You Are Without Me: Chapter 6**

The next time Magnus called, which was getting less frequent, Alec answered it. For the first time in a long time, he actually allowed himself to speak.

_"Alec?"_

He breathed for a moment before the words came.

_"Please, don't hang up. Hear me out first_," Magnus pleaded.

"I'm here," Alec said, his voice barely above a whisper.

He could hear Magus sigh in relief. _"I never thought you'd talk to me again."_

"Truthfully, I wasn't planning on it," Alec admitted.

_"I'm glad you decided against ignoring me, no matter the reason…I miss you, Alec."_ Tears filled Magnus' eyes. Even though Alec couldn't see it, he knew that it was happening.

Alec bit his lip harshly. He couldn't reciprocate the speech, no matter how badly he wished it were Magnus here right now with him, and not Ambrose. "I'm willing to hear you out. Just this once, so don't get used to it."

_"I know I've done some messed up shit. I know I've screwed this up. Even when I was trying to explain last time we talked, I screwed that up, too. But I am going to give you the honest-to-God truth now." _Magnus paused for a moment, trying to breathe and not say the wrong thing. _"I didn't mean to kiss Blaze. That's the guy's name. It was caused by drunken stupor. I was missing you like fucking crazy. I was drunk. And in that poor light, Blaze resembled you. I said, 'Alexander, darling. I've missed you so much.' And I kissed him. Because I _thought he was you_," Magnus stressed. "I was going to tell you, but I was too ashamed. I thought you would overreact and dump me for being a horrible boyfriend to you. Turns out, you knew anyway. When I got your letter, I was jumping out of my skin with joy. You wrote me a letter. _How cute_, I thought. Opening it up, I saw the cutest picture of us ever. And then I saw Blaze and me, and I realized it wasn't going to be a happy letter. You threw me away with no explanation. I deserved the harshness and the letter, no question about it. I hurt you in all the ways I promised I never would. I know it's asking too much, but one day, I hope you can forgive me."_

Alec let Magnus' words sink in and absorb, as if he were a sponge. "Seeing that hurt terribly, Magnus. I never thought that I would have to witness the love of my life kissing someone else."

Magnus sighed. _"I know._"

"But, I guess I can forgive you, if that was the true story. I'm wary on it. You've had months of preparation for it."

_"If I really thought it through all these months, don't you think I would have come up with something better than mistaking a guy for you?"_ Magnus asked half-heartedly.

The boy with the blue eyes took that in, as well. "It makes sense." But that wasn't the only thing that was bothering Alec. "You never mentioned me, Magnus. Not once. I thought that I meant more to you than that."

_"You did—do—mean more than that. I'm so, so, _so_ sorry that you thought that I was ignoring you in my posts. But I didn't, not when I could." _Magnus sighed slightly. _"I posted random lyrics, too. If you read those, then you should know that all those were about _you_. You were an underlying message in whatever I did. I mentioned certain things because they all held strong, loving memories of you. I thought that maybe you'd get it, but I was wrong,"_ he tried to explain._ "You thought I abandoned you. But I never did,"_ he whispered sadly.

Alec let his brain take the words that Magnus had spoken as he tried to comprehend them. It could not have been true…could it? Could he have been so blind by the ache in his heart to connect the dots? Thinking back on it, there were a few Facebook posts that lacked sense. But now, thinking back on it, the words started to make sense to him. They were of memories Magnus and he had…mentionable objects that held power over the two. Now, now he saw. And he felt like an idiot for not seeing it sooner. When he thought Magnus had forgotten about him, he did not. Sure, he was not blatantly mentioned, but he was still there. Barely, he cynically thought. Sure, he was there, but only to the person that knew what he or she was looking for. How could people know that Magnus had a wonderful boyfriend when he himself didn't even understand? "Maybe you didn't, but you didn't flaunt me like you did back here. You were so proud that I was yours when you were still in New York. It seems, to me, that I could never measure up to the hot Los Angeles scene, and you knew that."

_"No,"_ Magnus said with a hint of a warning. _"That's not true."_

"Are you trying to convince me that…or yourself?" Alec asked, crossing his arm over his chest.

_"You, Alec! I don't need to convince myself of anything."_

Alec wanted to comment, "Because you already succeeded in that," but he didn't say a word.

_"Please, Alec. I love you."_

Magnus' broken voice hit home in the boy's heart. How desperately he wanted to believe his ex-boyfriend. Alec just didn't know if he could…Maybe, just a maybe. Then, he asked, "What was the inspiration for your song?"

_"What?"_ Magnus asked, surprised.

"You know, the one on the radios."

_"…You heard that?"_

"Yeah, and I love it. And don't be so surprised; I told you that I love your voice." Alec smiled, actually smiled, as he talked to Magnus.

_"Well, if you listened to it, then you should know that it's about you."_

Alec knew it was. "I figured as much."

There was a pause in the conversation, right where Magnus was supposed to chime in. _"Alec…Did you move on. From me?"_

The question was blunt and out of nowhere. And he had no freaking clue on how to answer it. Did he move on? What was Ambrose to him? He was more than a lay, wasn't he? Of course he was more than that to Alec. Would he ever be able to move on from the person who he had given his heart fully to? The long pause made Magnus want to break down and cry. He figured he lost Alec forever.

"Truth be told, Magnus…I don't think that is possible," Alec slowly revealed.

_"I thought you may have. You have a boyfriend."_ Just the thought of Alec with someone else made Magnus' heart skip irregularly. He saw the pictures his boyfriend posted to Facebook. They looked happy together. And Ambrose was hot, Magnus reluctantly admitted. He looked down to earth and funny. If Magnus didn't automatically hate the guy for dating Alec, he would think they looked cute together.

"That doesn't mean anything, Magnus."

Magnus was about to speak again, just to clarify if his relationship meant nothing or the fact that he had a boyfriend didn't matter in the way that he still loved him. But Camille had called him to get back into the studio. He had to finish his last track to record, which, oddly, was based on this exact subject. _"I really have to go now. I'll call you, Alexander. I hope you answer next time, too. I love you."_

Alec wanted to tell Magnus that he, too, loved him. But he couldn't. Not yet. "Goodbye, Magnus."

.—.

Ambrose had woken up to find his that his side was cold. Really, he didn't think that it was such a big deal. He and Alec weren't serious enough to care to that degree of freaking out that one bailed on the other. But the blanket he found atop of him was a sweet touch.

He got up and entered the kitchen, thinking that maybe Alec was there making coffee. There was coffee on, that much he had predicted correctly. But Alec was missing from the equation. The radio was playing lowly.

Ambrose walked quietly to where he had not yet been in the flat. Alec's bedroom. It wasn't hard to imagine where it was. He hadn't been down that hallway yet, and whatever was missing from where he had been in in here, it had to have been in that direction.

The hallway was not terribly wide, but he took note that someone took the time to make sure it was decorated. The burgundy walls with black molding were adorned with picture frames of many sizes and colors. Inside them, that was what Ambrose really noticed.

The first person he noticed was Alec. Standing by his side was a girl that was practically his feminine mirror image. He knew her. Not well, but he met Isabelle. Standing in front of him was a younger boy who reached a little past Alec's belly button area, and he had glasses and a shade lighter hair than Alec did. Ambrose had found it sweet in the way Alec demonstrated his love for his baby brother, Max, in the times that they hung out. The next frame was of Alec and Jace goofing off, doing some ridiculous faces that Jace probably made Alec do. Down father on the walls, though, held someone else entirely. Many of the frames were of Alec, sure. But there was also another man. He was tall, a little darker complexion than Alec, midnight hair—almost like his own—even though some of the pictures the male had different colors laced through the black locks, and had enticing eyes.

These were harder for Ambrose to stomach. He especially hated the ones where Alec and the boyfriend whom he temporarily forgot the name (or maybe he mentally blocked it from his mind) of snuggled up in each other's arms and kissed and looked incredibly happy. In some of the pictures, Alec seemed to have a much younger face, as did the opposing boy. So, how long had they been together?

Just thinking about Alec spending all his time with someone hurt his feelings. He couldn't call it breaking his heart since they hadn't dated all that long. Obviously their time together didn't even compete in the same leagues as his previous boyfriend. But, it still pained him some.

Ambrose walked on, trying to pass the many frames. That was when he heard Alec talking, it seemed to be as if he was on the phone. _"What was the inspiration for your song?"_

What was Alec talking about? It wasn't as if Ambrose was eavesdropping on purpose. But now that he had heard the question, he couldn't help but to be curious.

_"You know, the one on the radios."_

Ambrose tried to sneak closer to the door, hoping to hear what Alec was saying more clearly. It was obviously about a song on the radio. More of Alec's voice came through, but it was quieter and he didn't catch it all. Finally, he did, however, hear something clearly: _"That doesn't mean anything, Magnus."_

Magnus…The name sounded so, completely familiar. That was the name Alec had given his ex-boyfriend, Ambrose recalled. Was Alec talking to his ex? Not only had Ambrose found it disturbing that the ex's taste in furniture was still in the flat and a multitude of pictures of them still hung on the walls, but now they were communicating?

There was still something else that was oddly familiar about this Magnus guy. He had recognized the face and the name. All Ambrose had to do was think. Sure, he wasn't taking those crazy pills like the guy from that movie _Limitless_ was, but he could place obscure details without them.

He tried really hard, clenching his storm cloud eyes tightly …That was it. When he checked up on that song on YouTube, someone had made a picture show of the artist. The singer and the guy in the pictures looked exactly alike. There was mention of a "Magnus Bane" on the page. Alec was talking about a song on the radio and the inspiration behind it with a Magnus. All this couldn't be coincidence. Honestly, how popular was the name "Magnus"?

Alec used to date Magnus Bane, a singer, Ambrose concluded. Someone who is on his way to becoming famous. And, apparently, Alec still loved him. Evidence surrounded him all through the little hallway he was silently standing in.

Ambrose was not stupid. He knew when to back off someone. And, it seemed, that this was the time to back off of Alec.

It was quiet in the room for awhile, and Ambrose did not want to be caught somewhere where he wasn't invited. So, he hurriedly, yet quietly, made his way back to the living room. Good too, because no more than two minutes later, Alec had emerged from that hallway. "Good morning, sleepy head."

"Morning, Alec," Ambrose greeted half-heartedly.

"Is everything okay?" Alec asked, detecting Ambrose's wary tone.

Ambrose had to do this now. He was giving Alec a chance to get over Magnus and himself to find someone who wasn't using him as an escape. "How long were you and Magnus together?"

Alec was blind-sighted by the question. "I don't think you need to know that, Ambrose."

"I was just curious. I don't want to be some guy that you _fuck_ because you miss the love of your life."

"No, that is not true. You're more to me than that," Alec clarified.

"Then tell me the truth. How long did you date him?"

Alec sighed as he sat down on a chair. "Three years."

Ambrose was shocked. The pictures went far back, but he didn't realize that far. "It seems to me that you still love this guy. I really like you, Alec, but I can't be the rebound you want me to be."

"You're not a rebound," Alec objected rapidly. "I'm with you because I want to be. I'm happy with you."

"But you'd be even happier with him," countered Ambrose.

Alec couldn't object to what Ambrose had said. "That's only because we were together for so long. We were comfortable. Don't do this."

"I realize that, no matter how dashing my personality is," Ambrose disdainfully laughed, "you are always going to compare me with Magnus. I'm not this, I'm not that. I have feelings for you, I'm not going to lie. But, I cannot see this working out with us when, even in the darkest corners of your heart, you still want him. I know I can never compete with someone who still has your heart. I'm sorry, Alec." With that, and a heavy heart, Ambrose walked out of Alec's life. It was a hard thing to do, considering Ambrose found himself falling for the boy. But, he deduced, he never really stood a chance when he was up against someone as handsome and talented as Magnus was. Nor did he stand a chance when Magnus and Alec have been through so much.

Alec wanted desperately to call Ambrose back, or to at least chase after him. But, he simply sat in silence, terribly confused. Ambrose had been completely honest with him from the start; Alec thought that he had, too. It wasn't enough just to think it, however. He didn't know how Ambrose knew those things about him. He never really even thought that he was comparing Ambrose and Magnus. They were too different to be compared. Unfortunately, Ambrose was right. Magnus still had his heart. That was precisely the reason why Alec had not gone after Ambrose. A guy like Ambrose deserved someone who was willing to make him his world. Alec couldn't, because he already had his own guy that he made _his_ world.

***So…what did you think? Give me your input soon, so, if I like your ideas, I can incorporate them into the completed chapters, just for you amazing readers/reviewers. I usually add **_**something**_** to each one before it gets posted. It's coming to a close soon…Very soon. As in, there are only seven chapters. **

***Was it bad? Should Ambrose have stayed? I was really starting to like him…For a few serious moments, I **_**almost**_** had Alec end up with Ambrose. It was a definite consideration. But that would have screwed up my original plans for this story. Yet, in all honesty, I never even planned for Alec to get with someone else. Just kinda wrote it one day.**

***So, tell me…Did any of you check out the song I had Magnus sing on the radios in Chapter 5? For those of you who did, did you like it? Just curious. Something I'd like to know.**

***You know what I like, so…review :) ? Show this story **_**some**_** love. You know you want to make me smile.**


	7. Chapter 7

***Merry Christmas, my dear readers! My gift to you is the last installment of "Who You Are Without Me." Although, if you want me to, I think I can be persuaded to continue this, but only for the right amount of reviews. It was only supposed to be for Christmas, anyhow, which explains the song lyrics at the beginning of Chapter 1. Those were basically Alec's feelings in the beginning of Chapter 1 and this one, Chapter 7.**

***Disclaimer: None of this is mine. Well, I can take credit for the sorry plotline. **

**Who You Are Without Me: Chapter 7**

Since Ambrose left, life in the flat was back to the normal before he spent the night there. It was just Alec and Chairman Meow. Not that Alec minded really. It was just that he had never been dumped before. If he had to tell himself the truth, it kind of, sort of stung. That's what he got, he assumed. He had tried to move on from someone he _knew_ he'd never be able to live without. Alec didn't know if Magnus tried the same thing, but, obviously, Magnus still loved him. The song blaring through the radio speakers told him so.

_Magnus _told him so.

Sure, Magnus had also started calling every day again since he answered, and even when he had to switch his Facebook status to "Single." But that didn't mean Alec picked up every time. It was too much to continue loving someone who lived so far away. Alec never thought that by sending Magnus to chase his dreams that he would lose Magnus in such an extreme way. He had lost Magnus altogether. Magnus didn't want to lose Alec, but he couldn't help but feel lonely and afraid being in New York City by himself while Magnus had the best of times at parties and in expensive stores and in the recording studio doing what he loved most. Without Alec.

And, Alec sometimes hated himself for practically forcing Magnus out of his life. But Magnus had to do it. He had to leave in order to achieve what he had always wanted most in the world. That was the way it had to be. Alec refused to be the one. There would be no way Alec would allow himself to be Magnus' dream-killer.

So, as Christmas approached, Alec was alone, minus the cat on his lap, who purred like a motorboat. He looked around the flat. There were minimal decorations for the season. But, there was a real tree strung with lights, shiny garland, and few ornaments. Christmas lights were stapled around the ceiling of the living room and even in his bedroom. That's where he was, lying on his bed with all of the lights out except for the blue Christmas lights. Chairman Meow purred as Alec lazily pet him.

His phone, resting on what once was Magnus' dresser, occasionally lit up and vibrated. Alec paid no attention to the device. All he wanted was to be left alone, wallowing in his misery that he had singlehandedly caused. This was going to be his first Christmas in three years that he wasn't with Magnus.

He'd still go over to his parents, and he would play videogames with Jace, and Isabelle would drag him off the couch after about two and a half hours of mindlessly killing virtual people to talk and ask his opinion on the latest guy she developed a crush on after throwing every possible detail at him. Later, they would all crowd around the family dinner table and share stories they had neglected to share through the year. And that would be great and fun and meaningful. But it would not be the same. There would be an empty chair right next to him as his mother put all the food on the table and everyone crowded their plates with the delicious meal. If any single one of them had any respect for his dead relationship, he could imagine that the chair would be tucked into the study for safekeeping and the plates on that side of the table would be spaced out a little farther than usual to give the illusion that there should be no one else there. That would be the appropriate thing to do, but he would also be a little heartbroken that they could dismiss three years so easily.

"What do you think, Chairman? Do you want to be my plus one to family dinner on Christmas?" Alec asked the cat.

As if the cat actually understood the boy, Chairman Meow sneezed and shook his fuzzy head.

"Yeah, I didn't think so. Church would probably think you're a rolling feather toy. But, hey, you have a couple of days to think on it." The fact hit him hard. In only a few days, there would be Christmas. He would have to pretend to be happy. He would have to smile when he knew that he couldn't. But he would do it. For the sake of his family—and himself—he would try to put the past behind him. Even if it was just for one day.

He really needed to move on. And, to think, the short time that he was seeing Ambrose he was actually starting to think that he was. But was Ambrose a hiding spot and Alec hid behind him so life didn't find him?

No, Alec thought. Ambrose was a good guy. He liked Ambrose. He thought Ambrose was attractive. He _slept_ with Ambrose. If he wasn't so caught up in his past, then Alec could imagine himself living happily with Ambrose. But, that wasn't the case.

"Oh, I don't know, cat," he sighed. "What do you think I should do?"

As expected, Chairman Meow didn't, couldn't answer.

.—.

The last few days had passed rapidly and robotically. Alec woke up, got ready, went to work, came home, and slept. Just like always.

So, he had completely forgotten that Christmas was here. On the 25th of December, Alec had woken up to the alarm clock that he forgot to turn off. It was still earlier in the morning, albeit later than he usually rose on this day. When he was little, he was always the first one up. When he started slacking, Jace took it upon himself to wake him up extra early, just because Jace was mean. So, when he moved out of his parents' house and in with Magnus, he thought that he could sleep longer. He was wrong. Unluckily for him, Magnus was like his blond brother in this regard. Magnus had jumped on him at the horrid hour of five in the morning. It wasn't like they were little kids and there were supposed to be a whole bunch of neatly wrapped presents under the tree. But Magnus didn't care. It was still Christmas, and damn it, he was going to treat it like Christmas.

So, when he flipped over his phone and the date was revealed to him as a certain December 25th, Alec groaned, but was oddly surprised that it was seven in the morning and he had slept in. After all these years of getting up super early, he thought it was instilled in his blood that he had to wake up like clockwork extra early on this day in particular. He got to sleep, though, so Alec didn't complain. The feeling was just…foreign.

Since the morning was reserved for him, and him alone, Alec did something he had never, ever done on Christmas morning. He rolled over and fell back to sleep.

After re-awaking an hour later, Alec jumped into the shower. He remerged from the steamy pit of his bathroom, dried his hair, and dressed in black slacks and a form-fitting blue button-down shirt. He plopped on his bed and waited for time to tick by before he had to head out for his parents' home for a family Christmas gathering. As he waited, he thought of everything he had last year. He was happy.

It got Alec thinking what he wanted most for Christmas. Since time travel was ridiculously impossible and he'd not change Magnus' success, all the blue-eyed boy wanted was Magnus to come home. He would hug him and kiss him and apologize and beg forgiveness of his stupidity. As best as he could, which was better than expected, Alec held in his tears and kept from crying.

Alec heard a knocking sound. Not thinking much into it, Alec stayed on the bed. More knocks followed, but Alec stayed put, one of his legs bent at the knee. Then, his phone began to vibrate and vibrate.

"This is ridiculous, cat. What the fuck is going on? I'm never this popular."

Alec reluctantly pushes Chairman Meow off his stomach and makes his way to his feet. The cat, in all his Big Ferocious Cat Syndrome, hissed and tried to claw the bedspread since he was disturbed. The boy laughed slightly at the cat while checking his phone. Many were missed calls from his sister, one from his mother—which was a little more than odd, and the rest were from Magnus. Then there were some text messages stating things that resembled, "Where are you?" and "Why are you not picking up?" But the ones from Magnus were loving and caring. "Are you okay?" along with "I'm worried." There were others, but the banging on his door became quite a nuisance and it was something Alec needed to tend to before doing anything more with his phone.

There would be no one else that would be this persistent and this annoying to Alec except Jace. So, because of that little fact, that was who Alec thought it was.

"I swear Jace, if you don't cut…" Alec yelled until he swung the door open. His mouth snapped shut and he lost function of his lungs.

"Alec."

"…Magnus," he whispered. This moment was so unbelievable that he had nothing else to say besides Magnus' name. Truthfully, he was lucky to even have that much control over his vocal chords. His plan of hugging and kissing flew out the door, as soon as the man he was waiting for was revealed.

"Can I…come in?" Magnus asked slowly and warily.

Alec swallowed hard. "Uh, yeah, of course." It was in that moment that Alec had notably regretted not changing their once-shared home in the least possible way. Mostly, besides the Christmas décor, the place was unchanged. He didn't want to seem as if he was holding onto the only part of Magnus he had left.

Magnus shook the snow out of his dark hair as he took off his gloves and held them in his hands, as if he felt awkward to rest them on the coffee table. The same table that he had sat on, rested his feet on, played games on, ate dinner on, had sex on… It was ridiculous, but it didn't feel like his table anymore. The flat was practically unchanged, but he only felt like an anomaly in the room. "I didn't think you'd decorate for the holidays. The place looks nice," Magnus pointed out somewhat awkwardly.

Alec scratched his eyebrows. "Thanks."

"_You_ look nice."

"…Thanks," Alec repeated. "I've got to go to family dinner in a bit, so I thought I should dress appropriately."

There was silence as Magnus studied Alec's posture and Alec shifted under the heavy gaze.

"Merry Christmas, Alec," Magnus finally said.

Alec suddenly dropped his eyes and let his dark hair fall in front of his eyes. He couldn't take it. He couldn't handle Magnus here. It was too much, even though this has been what he wanted for so, so long. How did he think that he could get over this? He bit his lip to keep from crying. Unlike earlier, his resolve crumbed and warm, salty tears started to fall.

Magnus noticed fresh tears falling from the boy's eyes, even when his dark hair covered his forehead, trying to mask his face. No, he couldn't actually _see _them, but he could tell that they were there. After three years, Magnus knew that when Alec's shoulders slumped that far down and started to tremble in such a manner that they were just then, that meant he was silently crying. "Hey. Alec. Don't do this. Dar—what's wrong?" Magnus dropped his gloves and walked over to where Alec was standing. He refrained from calling him "darling" and resting his hands on Alec.

Alec couldn't. No, he wasn't good at this. But, if he wanted to fix things with Magnus, he would have to try, even though he knew he wasn't the greatest at using his words for such things. "Everything, Magnus," he choked out. "I-I'm a fucking idiot. I let you go, and I didn't have to. I thought I could move on, but I couldn't. All I can ever think about is you. And here you are, standing right in front of me, in what used to be our home together. It's hard for me to say this, but I'm the one that needs forgiving," Alec admitted, finally lifting his head to reveal his clear, dark blue eyes and wet face from tears. Finally, also unwillingly, he fell apart. His seams unzipped and emotions poured out of him. Maybe later he wouldn't agree with his words he had spoken, but it was in the now that he had said them, and, for that moment, he had meant the words.

"No. I was the one at fault," Magnus admitted. "There is no need to blame yourself for my mistakes. You were trying to protect yourself from me, to which you had every right. I was a lame ass boyfriend when I moved away. I could have done more to tell you that I love you and that I miss you, but I didn't," Magnus ranted. "I am the one at fault. You don't need to forgive me, but I am hoping that one day, you can."

For one of the first times in his life, Alec didn't analyze his thoughts as soon as he had them. Instead, he acted without a script. He didn't know how Magnus would react, but it was something Alec did without thinking it through. He lunged for Magnus, quickly wrapping his arms around his neck, and planted his lips firmly on Magnus', kissing him slowly.

Magnus froze, not knowing what to think. But he didn't want to think. The feel of Alec's lips was something he greatly missed since the moment he stepped onto that plane. This kiss signaled that he finally arrived home after so long. Magnus had a desperate, serious case of homesickness. He found himself melting in Alec's embrace, snaking his own arms around Alec's slender waist, and pulling the boy closer to him. Now this was the thing he missed the most. LA didn't have this. No place besides New York City had Alexander Lightwood.

Alec pulled away his lips first and rested his forehead against Magnus'. "I love you so much, Magnus Bane. Please. Don't leave me again."

"I'd never. I love you, Alexander Lightwood. Merry Christmas, love."

"Merry Christmas, dear."

***I want to thank my readers for investing their time to read my little story. The big thanks and air hugs go to my loyal reviewers, who gave me feedback on many of the chapters. So, I thank you BIG TIME. You are the reason why I decided to post the rest of the story.**

***So, for motivation to me to finish this multi-chaptered story that I have hinted in my profile that I have been working on—no, it wasn't this one—I guess I will tell you a minor detail. How many of you would be willing to read a full-length (longer than this by…a lot; so far, there are over 19,000 words I have typed) JALEC story? It's all human, and I have a lot of it written in Jace's point of view. There are many original characters, including these hot guy twins I have named Varen and Cameren. I do not want to waste all my efforts writing something nobody would be willing to read. So, if…I don't know…at least five or six?...people tell me to go for it, then I will. If not…I will be sad, because that took some serious time.**

***Once again, thank you soooooo much, fantabulously amazing readers! Please review and tell me what you think of this story and if you want more, and please, please, please, please give me your honest-to-God opinion on if you are willing to read my Jalec fic. **

**-WithinTheTrenches**


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